Le Spa

Well, my intention was to write a blog entry on the merits of home spa treatments, coupled with Bud Light and ciagrettes, for the more advanced and asthetically inclined midwestern girl. I was going to talk about my evening spent with bedroom manicures, olive oil soaks and Biore facials. And the just trashy enough combination of this month's Glamour, a bag of weed and a recent T.J. Maxx shopping spree (the "personal care" section is beyond reproach) is enough to set my suburban heart aflutter. That being said, I am so worn out from my hillbilly spa night that I find it difficult...just...to...type. In the spirit of sharing, though, I offer these quick tips until I may be proactive enough to go into detail:

• Olive oil is your friend. Use it to condition cuticles, to keep nail polish from smudging and, when mixed with sugar, to exfoliate hands and feet. (To exfoliate your body, or if you have sensitive skin, use brown sugar.) Rub in circular motion until sugar dissolves.
• Drink some water, bitch! Water will naturally detoxify your body and help it to function most efficiently.
• Not just for cow udders anymore, Bag Balm will moisterize dry winter hands and feet (and knees and elbows) so that you will remain summer soft while everyone else develops scales.
• Remember that shaving exfoliates! Don't use a scrub after you've shaved-it might irritate skin. Exfoliate before shaving or skip it-while removing hair you will remove dry surface skin as well.

Happy spa-ing! Remember that just because you can't afford to be among the rich bitches at the salon doesn't mean that you can't look as good! Smug satisfaction goes farther than a Gold Card!